Learn from Mistakes

I hate whining .But this thing had been eating my life since forever.Since I dont want to kill everyone with it ,might as well write it out here.After all, its how I express and let go some of my emotions.

There was an international seminar.When I was first offered to apply,I didnt have the confidence at all.I felt so little and unknowledgable compared to everyone .Coincidentally ,I had a Japan trip with my mother on the same day so it was perfect excuse for me to look away. My friend , who got the offer to go as a facilitator was dissapointed.I guess. I in fact,felt so relieved to escape it.

A month later,I got to know that someone new had applied.Somehow,I envied her.For someone so new,she had the courage to apply for an international event.But as the day goes by ,I felt ashamed at myself. Im such a coward . I soon regretted my actions.I could have easily declined my Japan trip,my mother has tons of her friends coming along with her anyways. From that moment,I wished there was a chance,an opportunity that I could still apply.

And suddenly,at 2AM a few days later,my friend whatsapped me and said that someone told her the deadline was extended.My sleepiness  lifted.I felt so awake.I downloaded the form ,planning to see two/three people tomorow to get their signature and hand in by the next day itself.But while I was planning,I felt something wrong.Its like the offer was so shaky.But I set that aside,maybe its just me.

Early that morning,I plucked the courage to tell my dad.He's always been protective.VERY protective.But when I told,he agreed .I was shocked ! But I got the green light. I made 2-3 phonecalls,asking some people how/where/when to meet and get their signature.My mother was wonderful,bearing with me,sending me to internet cafes to print the forms,going to houses to get the signatures.Then ,I was all alone ,digitally filling the forms.My friend who was in KL helped me fill in some parts I didnt understand.

I was alone.I was at the verge of a mental breakdown.Its been happening alot since this past year.In the end,I completed everything and sent it.

I didnt think about it afterwards.What would happen,would just happen.I didnt want to get hurt if I didnt get it. But a few days later,my friend who applied earlier whatsapped me saying she got the email from the seminar and that she was selected to go.I was genuinely happy for her.It was a great new opportunity for her to kick start  in this.But when I checked mine...nothing.

My friend kept telling me that the quota was not yet set,so I still had a chance.But I just cant be positive,no matter how hard I try.I litterally cried and I had somewhere to be that night .The driver was downstairs waiting and I was in the bathroom,trying to get a grip.

Its the 2nd of February now and still no news.No email.Nothing.From my prespective,if they've already sent emails of acceptance,it means that they've already choosen .As much as I try to accept it,I cant.Theres no point having a strong/good resume if you send it late.And when I think back,there's no point going if you didnt want to go at the first place.It didnt matter how much I've regretted and promised never to this again.

Also,im in a dilemma cuz my mum cant buy her tickets yet,cuz she's waiting for me.If I dont get ,Id follow her to Japan.But the longer I wait,the pricier it gets.And I cant do this to her.Im in such a trainwreck that I feel like shooting myself in the head.Im so sorry I caused everyone trouble.

Yeah,Im sorry for being such a whine.But what ever happends,Im sure this was a huge lesson to be learnt.When you have a chance of a lifetime,GO FOR IT . Dont wait till your 'ready', because you are more READY than you think .And listen to those elder than you ,especially when they have the experience.

So yeah.Many might not understand a thing I just wrote.In fact,only 2-3 people do .I dont want people's sympathy.I just want everyone to not make my mistakes . Just remember when you have an opportunity, GO FOR IT .Bye x